Partner Stories – Pat
Partners of NET patients need support and understanding too. Pat Moon explains the roller coaster ride of having to accept that her husband has cancer but also learning to live life to the full and with a positive attitude.
Like most men, Bob never had a cold, it was always pneumonia, and so when he complained about stomach pains, even though they lasted for over two years the family treated it as a bit of a joke. We would say things like, ‘He’s rarely without pain’.
So when a problem was found I suppose, I clung to the thought that it might have been a ‘bit of fluff on the X-ray machine’ and it was my way of not wishing to accept that he was ill
I have never been one for accepting that anyone was ill, even myself.
My attitude is always ‘just get on with it’, but I suppose it was when the word ‘growth’ was first mentioned that I actually began to worry.
I know that Bob was angry with me because I could not accept that he was ‘ill’, although in my defence I would say that my intentions were always to make sure he made a full recovery, and that whatever he had was ‘not going to beat us’.
Our two children and I would have regular chats about his condition (without Bob knowing), and have done from the start. Our attitude has always been that no matter was the problem is, it will get sorted and we will just get on with our lives.
I think the first time I heard the word ‘growth’ was when I visited Bob in hospital with my best friend after his first operation.
The nurse told me that the growth was cancerous. I can’t remember how long Bob was in hospital, I would visit during the day, collect the kids from school and after dinner take them to hospital. But to ensure normality, the kids would even take their homework for him to help them.
Bob came home a lot thinner than he went in, but I was still convinced that he would make a full recovery, and live a full life, and I still do. I could not bring myself to be too sympathetic in case he played on it, it’s not my way, and anyway he would then think that I was worried about him.
Bob recovered from the operation, went back to work, and as far as I was concerned he was ‘cured’. Then one day he came home from one of his regular hospital check ups, the only time he has ever been on his own, and told me they had discovered some growths in his liver, and he was being referred to Hammersmith Hospital in London. Bob looked so healthy, and still does, that again I put on my ‘there is nothing to worry about hat’.
At some time we were told that his liver had a number of growths, quite deep, and that therefore they could not just ‘be removed’. The doctor we saw was very reassuring, and with the exception of regular check ups, x-rays and tests, there was no actual treatment to be done at this time. This only reinforced my attitude.
I even went to see my own GP, whom I have known for many years, to discuss Bob’s complaint, and she reassuringly told me to ‘go home and live your lives’.
This is what we have done.
Life continued as usual at home, with Bob’s condition not a matter for concern until we had to deal with anything. The next problem was when he went into hospital just before Christmas one year for an embolisation. I was concerned and worried, but I could not show it, the kids and I still had regular chats, but they did not seem to be too concerned, so we carried on as normal.
That time in hospital was difficult, I had a job, the hospital was some miles away, the kids needed me at home, and I was not very well with a bad cold, and I was trying to get ready for Christmas. In the event Bob was discharged a couple of days before Christmas, not having had the procedure due to a malfunction in the X-ray machine, but he caught some sort of infection during his stay, so this was not the best Christmas ever. He went back in after a couple of weeks, had the procedure, was initially OK, but was then quite ill for a couple of days, and this did cause me some concern.
But what I like to think of as our ‘positive attitude’ paid off as Bob recovered, went back to work and we all once again got on with our lives.
Bob’s doctor moved to the Royal Free Hospital, and I especially was glad when he took Bob with him. We trusted him. Complacency set in, as each visit Bob only looked to be getting healthier, and so once again I assumed he had made a full recovery.
At one visit Bob had been telling me that he was not feeling so well.
As usual I told him not to be so stupid, and so when we went to hospital for the results of his latest tests, and were told he needed further treatment as the growths were growing. It came as a bit of a shock. Bob was offered a clinical trial of some radiotherapy treatment, and Bob already agreed before we could really discuss it. But I was happy to go along with that, the doctors were so positive.
Bob had three sessions in hospital, only overnight stays, and although he felt a little nauseous and tired, no real side effects, so once again my attitude of ‘no sympathy it will make him think he is ill’ took over. He got over them all, went back to work in between treatments as well, and life continued much as before. He looked healthy, he worked full time, never took time off sick, other than for hospital visits, and so once again life was rosy.
Just when everything was going so well …bang, things changed again.
Bob was told he had a tumour in one of his kidneys, and that they had been watching it for 12 months or so, but it was time to operate and remove it. I was angry, not because we had not been told earlier, but because it was yet another unnecessary problem for the family to overcome. By this time both of our children had left home and we had one grand daughter, and she had been born nine weeks prematurely, which was another worry.
I remember that once Bob had been told this news I had to leave him to go and feed the parking meter, and so I took the opportunity to telephone my son. He is more positive even than I am, and he just told me not to worry.
The surgeon was superb, again very reassuring and matter of fact, and again as a family we were convinced that Bob could live just as well with one kidney, so it was no surprise to us that he had the operation, on his birthday, and made a speedy and full recovery. I know Bob has a few problems, but even when he is having an operation or some other treatment, I am sure that he will fully recover and live a long life. I have been right so far, so my attitude cannot be all bad.
I honestly do not know what the children think. They have been very supportive to me, and Bob, although none of us dwell on what might have been, only the positives.
Many people have asked me how I cope, but cope with what? Bob has a complaint but is not ill as such, and in fact to look at him he looks full of health, so I am sure he will be fine.
This account may make me out to sound a very ‘hard’ person, but I honestly believe that if you think positively, then all will be well, and it has been, and it is.
Trying to write down what, and how I feel is very difficult for me, but I would hate anyone to think that I am uncaring. Bob knows how much I care.
